Atypical Affect and Integration
On describing affect today to a neurophysiologist I said on self-scan that my affect isn't blunted but creativity as productivity - as genesis. I like what Zizek once said that when the artist is in process they are neither happy nor sad but in production. That to me is touchstone of what I termed the promise of constants. Plasticity and retrosyntheses
Diving into music I've made attempts at some concert guitar pieces. And now song. I've inherited a good instrument. The guitar though I bought.
The area of emotion plumbed through music. The emotion is melancholy. The colic mayhaps in the old Elizabethan. Images of childhood that were times and states relatively integral. That is, prior to developed traumagenesis.
To draw out the etymologies the inner child for me is a discussion that is a watery doe eyed half-transcendence. What the child is there for, for me is to eulogise me and farewell me to death and the inner child here is objectively a framed memory, detailed to my best, and a temporal ballast of any integration. To say my childhood and me remembering myself is a reification known as an inner child is the development of colicgenesis lol. In a Deleuzian sense the accumulation of organs only goes towards a theatre of cruelty. The actor digging their hands into fresh offal.
The retrocausation here. I consider me as child with my current array via memory generated from music. The child I am purviewing, I know its thoughts because I remember too the thoughts back then. My passions for lexicon, culture, festivals, urbanity, the quay and ferries of the harbour.
So now much like a cartography I seek the milestones of integral states in my temporal identity field today.
The bilaterality here is with me purviewing and the child as I take it farewelling me. A visitation in an I and thou sense. That's the threshold of the melancholy. Remembering the thoughts and passions I had then, dream content, reading experiences - I am trying portray a two way synthesis in time. Now just to convolute things up as topology - I will do this process again but this time tomorrow's me on the me right now writing this.
Of course time as porous here I can really go anywhere with this two way rhizomatic style retrosynthesis. Or even posit many time states in my identity field, not just two, and identity memories that are real (good faith) or speculative. An 85 year old unimmigrated version of me talks to me before I even existed, as example.
Melancholy, loss. The loss of loss as a negative squared defined constant. The negation of the negation perhaps. Loss ad infinitim as free fall, abyss, gravity well, deep hole, death, fractalisation of one's faculty into overthinking just to get that consistent grace. Where perhaps habitual evenness gives scope for the development of emotions unknown.
All the staples yes I know them. My imaginary fantasising of bohemia and the belle epoque yes or just sentimentality, something I don't do cos I hate to lose, even loss. My caveat is humanism is all well and very nice but have you ever considered... (the accelerated downfall of heteropatriarchal capitalism)
NB My second sublingual murmur-voice emerged and said "it's not happening!" that second voice when I hum is the past - past known people talking through my larynx.
Ariel Riveros is a Sydney-based multi-artist and theorist. He has historical diagnoses of schizoeffective disorder and bipolar 1, He also disputes the Landian Lemurian timewar prose of Clinical Schizophrenics being POW from the future. Plenty POW just here and now so to speak.
